Founding Fathers Roast of
George Washington

Originally performed on the Bob and Tom show February 16th, 2006. This is my imagining of what it would have been like if all the great founding fathers of this country met to roast our first President.

We’re gathered here tonight to honor George Washington. George, you’re a great man, but what’s with the outfit? Knee high boots. A silky blouse. Are you the father of this country or the fairy Godmother?

Seriously, if we wanted to be ruled by an old queen we wouldn’t have left England.

And a powdered wig? If you start looking any more queer, they’re going to put your picture on the Three dollar bill.

Hey, maybe you’d like me to introduce you to Benedict Arnold. Lord knows he’ll go both ways.

Speaking of flags. Betsy Ross is here tonight. What a frisky woman. Washington invited her to Mount Vernon - she was disappointed to learn it was a place!"

I don’t want to say Betsy Ross gets around. But the liberty bell has a smaller crack.

And what would tonight’s roast be without Aaron Burr? Well for starters, more fun. This guy is irritating. After fifteen minutes with Burr, George Washington started growing hemp.

And did you hear Burr’s jokes? Filthy. Ben Franklin is so fat he had to commission Lewis and Clark to find his penis. Ben Franklin has eaten more Dolly Madison than James. I’m mean you’re about as subtle as John Hancock writing his name in the snow.

The only person laughing was Alexander Hamilton. For some reason Aaron Burr really kills that guy.

Hey, let’s take this opportunity to thank Ethan Allen. He supplied all the chairs tonight. Nice guy - I told him it was for Washington’s birthday. He gave me half-off!"

Now you know George’s wife, Martha would be at the roast. She’d have some good lines. “George is the father of our country, yet he can’t even father any children. The other night, Paul Revere was over. He was yelling, “The British are coming. The British are coming. I said “That’s because they’re not married to George.”

George has nothing going on downstairs. “When he says he’s sporting morning wood, it means he’s putting his teeth in for breakfast.”

George was quoted as saying “I cannot tell a lie.” Well I can. I’ve been faking it.

On the bright side, at least we won’t have a dim witted son get elected president because he has the same name as his father. John Adams, I’m looking right at you.

Come on, you know your son, John Quincy is dumb. George once asked John Quincy if he’d like a position in his cabinet…He said no. I’d prefer a chair. He’s an idiot.

When hearing that George was a Virginian, Quincy asked, “Why doesn’t he just pay hooker?”

Thomas Jefferson, don’t you laugh about family. Where do you go to meet women? The underground railroad.

Thomas Jefferson likes his women like he likes his coffee, hand picked from a field.

Don’t act all shocked. You think he uses whips and chains because he’s kinky?

Well folks it looks like we’re going to have to wrap it up early tonight. Samuel Adams has run out of beer. You thought the whiskey rebellion was rough. Wait until you see what happens when John Paul Jones gets cut off. Trust me, that’s when he begins to fight.

Please tip your waitstaff tonight. Ben Franklin, that means you. I know a penny saved is a penny earned. But it might also get your drink tea bagged.

Good night, everyone.

 GEORGE WASHINGTON
George Washington was the successful Commander in Chief of the Continental Army in the American Revolutionary War from 1775 to 1783, and later became the first President of the United States, an office to which he was twice elected unanimously (unanimous among the Electoral College), and held from 1789 to 1797.
BENEDICT ARNOLD
In 1780, Benedict Arnold formed a plot to obtain the fort at West Point, New York and surrender it to the British. The plot was thwarted, but Arnold successfully evaded capture by the Continental army and fled to England.
BETSY ROSS
Her full name was Elizabeth Griscom Ross. She is known to have made flags during the American Revolution, although the long-accepted story that she designed and made the first American national flag.
AARON BURR
He is remembered not so much for his tenure as the third Vice President, under Thomas Jefferson, as for his duel with Alexander Hamilton and his trial and acquittal on charges of treason.
BENJAMIN FRANKLIN
Benjamin Franklin was one of the most prominent of the Founders and early political figures and statesmen of the United States.
ETHAN ALLEN
An early American revolutionary and guerrilla leader during the era of the Vermont Republic and the New Hampshire grants.
MARTHA WASHINGTON
Martha Dandridge Custis Washington was the wife of George Washington, and therefore is seen as the first First Lady of the United States.
JOHN ADAMS
Regarded as one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, John Adams was the first Vice President and the second President of the United States. He was a major sponsor of the Revolutionary War, and a key diplomat in the 1770s.
JOHN QUINCY ADAMS
The first President who was the son of a President, John Quincy Adams in many respects paralleled the career as well as the temperament and viewpoints of his illustrious father.
THOMAS JEFFERSON
Thomas Jefferson was the third President of the United States, principal author of the Declaration of Independence, and one of the most influential founders of the United States. The claim that Thomas Jefferson fathered children with Sally Hemings, a slave at Monticello, entered the public arena during Jefferson's first term as president, and it has remained a subject of discussion and disagreement for nearly two centuries.
SAMUEL ADAMS
Samuel Adams was an American Patriot and organizer of the Boston Tea Party. He played a major role in starting the American Revolution.
JOHN PAUL JONES
On the night of Sept. 23, 1779, Jones engaged 'Serapis' and the 'Countess of Scarborough' off Flamborough Head. It was during this battle when asked if he wished to surrender that Jones gave the reply "I have not yet begun to fight."
POOR RICHARD'S ALMANAC
In 1732 the first edition of Poor Richard's Almanac was published. The Almanac was a yearly book filled with varied facts and figures. Benjamin Franklin wrote several mottos, sayings and homespun truths.
 

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