Scott Dunn Comedy

Abe Lincoln's Wake From all accounts, President Lincoln’s wife, Mary, was a very difficult woman. So you’ve got to think she had some strong words after her husband was assassinated. I’ve done some research and I think I know what those words might have been. I now present to you, first lady, Mary Lincoln at Abraham Lincoln’s wake. As I view my late husband, I couldn’t help but notice security guards around the casket. Better late than never, huh boys. Who was in charge of our protection the other night, Robert E. Lee? Nobody did anything. Major Rathbone, was sitting right there. All he said was, “My bad. I thought this play was a murder mystery.” And John Wilkes Booth, proving once and for all why actors should keep their nose out of politics. I know actors aren’t the brightest people in the world. But come on Booth, this is NOT what the director meant when he asked to see a headshot! And talk about your typical self-absorbed actor. When Booth hit the stage he yelled Sic Semper Tyrannis. I looked it up. It means, "Most of this was improv’d.” So now we’re stuck with vice-president Andrew Johnson. A man so delusional he thinks we’re here to celebrate his promotion. Andrew Johnson is just not qualified to be president. His foreign AFFAIRS policy simply reads, “If you do it in a different country it’s not cheating on your wife.” I don’t want to say he’s ignorant, but Johnson thinks a CARPETBAGGER is what you call an ugly lesbian. But we’re here to remember Abe Lincoln. My husband was not only a great president, he was also a great lover. Abe once said “a House divided cannot stand,” and neither could I the week after our honeymoon. Yeah, they didn’t call him the ol’ rail splitter for nothing. And he went all night too. Trust me, Gettsyburg wasn’t the first time Abe Lincoln four scored. Hey look. Ulysses S. Grant just stumbled in. Hide the whiskey. I don’t want to say the man is a lush, but Grant once retreated all the way to Canada before he realized he was sitting backwards on his horse. Before Grant would enter Richmond, the President had to send him a telegraph that read, “You’re not outnumbered. You’re seeing double.” Abe once asked Grant if drinking affected his duty. Grant said, “No. It’s every day and firm as a biscuit”. Then to prove it, he used Lincoln’s hat as a bedpan. And the sad thing is, Grant isn’t even the worst. General Hooker had so many prostitutes in camp, they started calling them hookers. That is sad. I haven’t seen a man disgrace his family name this badly since Abner Cornhole. And talk about Kinky. Trust me, the battle of Antitiem wasn’t the first time General Hooker got spanked. This man has a one track mind. He thinks a deserter is a quickie involving whipped cream. And he’s proud of it. I heard Hooker bragging that during the war he had more strange hair on his face than General Burnside. You know, General Grant would be there and could only take so much. He’d stand up. “Enough. After five minutes with Mary, I’m starting to think John Wilkes Booth MISSED. Mary Lincoln is so ugly when she has her picture taken the photographer tells her NOT to be still. Mary Lincoln is so ugly I originally assumed Abe was gay. General Sherman once asked me if I’d seen the President’s beard. I said “No, but I hear she’s a bitch.” And don’t act like you and the president were all lovey dovey. I once remarked “Oh, how the blue and gray do suffer.” And your husband replied, “I agree. But enough about my balls.” Now if you’ll excuse me. I need to go see a man about a horse. Mary Lincoln is so ugly she thinks that’s a pick-up line. I better get out of here before it works. Good night. Alternate Jokes GENERAL GRANT General Grant’s drinking has caused more black outs than the Emancipation Proclamation. Only General Grant would think it appropriate to "toast the dead president with a shot.” You’ve always drank too much. At the battle of Shiloh, Grant spent an hour kicking the ground before someone told him he fell off his horse. Then when he found out he had peed his pants, Grant said, “Thank God. I thought I’d been hit.” THE ASSASSINATION The good news is our secret service is still a secret. John F. Parker (bodyguard) – John Parker said who’s it going to kill if I get a drink. And even afterwards, it took forever to get help. It wasn't the bullet that got him - Lincoln died of prostate cancer waiting for the doctor." MARY LINCOLN MEETING ABE Mary Lincoln is so ugly when she has her picture taken the photographer tells her NOT to be still. I met Abraham Lincoln at a dance in 1839 and it was love at first sight. What can I say, the room was very dark. But he was poor back then. When we met, Lincoln’s clothes were so holy he didn’t have to unzip to pee. It was so bad that one winter to get enough to eat Abe had to suck on gristle. And gristle was our dog. But what do you expect, Lincoln was a self-taught man. He had to be. His father was an idiot. His dad thought ciphering was how you cleaned the outhouse.		ABRAHAM LINCOLN Abraham Lincoln was the 16th President of the United States (March 4, 1861 – April 15, 1865). As an outspoken opponent of the expansion of slavery and a political leader in the western states, he won the Republican Party nomination in 1860 and was elected president later that year. The Abraham Lincoln assassination, which took place on April 14, 1865, was one of the last major events in the American Civil War. President Abraham Lincoln was shot while attending a performance of Our American Cousin at Ford's Theatre with his wife and two of their friends. Lincoln died the following day in the home of William Petersen.

		MARY TODD LINCOLN Mary Lincoln was the First Lady of the United States when her husband, Abraham Lincoln, served as the sixteenth President, from 1861-1865. Mary Lincoln was well-educated and interested in public affairs, and shared her husband's fierce ambition. However, she was high-strung and touchy, and sometimes acted irrationally. She was almost instantly unpopular upon her arrival in the capital.

		ROBERT E. LEE Robert Edward Lee was a career U.S. Army officer and the most celebrated general of the Confederate forces during the American Civil War. Robert E. Lee was 5' 11" tall and wore a size 4-1/2 boot, equivalent to a modern 6-1/2 boot.

		HENRY RATHBONE Henry Rathbone was present at the assassination of Abraham Lincoln and was sitting with his fiancée, Clara Harris, next to the President and Mrs. Lincoln at the time of its occurrence.

		JOHN WILKES BOOTH John Wilkes Booth (May 10, 1838 – April 26, 1865) was an American actor infamous for the assasination of Abraham Lincoln. He was a successful professional stage actor of his day, and a member of the Booth family of actors. He was also Confederate sympathizer who was dissatisfied with the outcome of the American Civil War.

		ANDREW JOHNSON With the Assassination of Lincoln, the Presidency fell upon an old-fashioned southern Jacksonian Democrat of pronounced states' rights views. Although an honest and honorable man, Andrew Johnson was one of the most unfortunate of Presidents. Arrayed against him were the Radical Republicans in Congress, brilliantly led and ruthless in their tactics. Johnson was no match for them.

		ULYSSES S. GRANT Grant was an American general and politician who was elected as the 18th President of the United States. He achieved international fame as the leading Union general in the American Civil War, as he captured Vicksburg in 1863, Richmond in 1865, then accepted the surrender of his great Confederate opponent Robert E. Lee at Appomattox Courthouse.

		WILLIAM TECUMSEH SHERMAN Sherman served under General Grant in 1862 and 1863 during the campaigns that led to the fall of the Confederate stronghold of Vicksburg and culminated with the routing of the Confederate armies in the state of Tennessee. In 1864, Sherman succeeded Grant as the Union commander in the western theater of the war.

		JOSEPH HOOKER Joseph Hooker, known as "Fighting Joe", was a career U.S. Army officer and a major general in the Union Army during the American Civil War. Although he served throughout the war, usually with distinction, he is best remembered for his stunning defeat by Confederate General Robert E. Lee at the Battle of Chancellorsville in 1863.

		AMBROSE BURNSIDE Ambrose Burnside was a railroad executive, inventor, industrialist, and politician from Rhode Island, serving as governor and a U.S. Senator. As a Union Army general in the American Civil War, he conducted successful campaigns in North Carolina and East Tennessee, but was defeated in the disastrous Battle of Fredericksburg and Battle of the Crater.

	GENERAL HOOKER Sherman burned through Atlanta faster than gonorrhea burned through Hooker’s army. If General Hooker attacked the rebels like he did the prostitutes, we would have won Bull Run. (In regards to prostitutes being called hookers) Thank God it was him instead of General Pope or now we’d be at war with Rome. ANDREW JOHNSON When hearing that Johnson was the new president, Rhode Island joined the confederacy. I don’t want to say the man is weak, but Jefferson Davis still has more power.

Abe Lincoln's Wake