World War II
Victory Celebration

You know how high school sports teams always have an end of the season banquet.  I think they should have done that with World War II.  Brought everybody together one last time.  So here it is, the World War II victory celebration. 

Coming to us straight from the Geisha Houses of Okinowa. Please welcome your host for the evening.  The new Emperor of Japan.  General Douglas MacArthur.   

Thank you.  I hope you enjoyed dinner.  Sorry the sushi was accidentally cooked - it's from Nagasaki.  We told the Japanese they didn’t need to bring anything, but apparently they wanted to surprise us…again.

And by the way Japan, losers have to buy the drinks.  Kamikazes for everyone.

You know Winston Churchill will have one.  This guy is a drunk.  During the war he was bombed more often than Dresden.  Oh yeah.  You didn’t know that?  When Churchill said "Never was so much owed by so many to so few”, he was talking about his bar tab. 

And he’s fat too.  It takes a band of brothers just to buckle his pants.  Winston Churchill was able to resist the Germans, but he can’t resist German chocolate cake. 

And speaking of food, don’t bother looking for Charles de Gaulle this evening. The French took off as soon as they heard we were serving shells.

I don’t get it France. How could you be that unprepared for the Germans?  I knew they were up to no good when even during World War I they were calling it "World War I"!

Seriously, what WAS your plan for stopping the Nazis?  Body odor.

Eva Braun’s bra strap gave Hitler more resistance.

But it is too bad Hitler couldn't make it here tonight.  I bet the man would’ve loved to had one more ball.  That’s right, the champion of the master race didn’t even have a master scrotum.  It doesn’t surprise me, I always knew the guy was half nuts.  No one even knows how Hitler lost that testicle, but my guess is that he blames the Jews.

Oh come on Switzerland.  You can’t laugh and boo.

Hey everyone, let’s have a big round of applause for heavy weight champion Joe Louis.  Oh wait, that’s Eleanor Roosevelt. 

I don’t want to say Eleanor Roosevelt is manly, but let’s face it, in her marriage, she’s the only one who can pee standing up.

And homely.  Wow.  Stalin took one look at Eleanor and closed the iron curtain. 

WWII was the only time Franklin Roosevelt could honestly say "my wife is riveting."

And this was not a loving marriage.  I once asked Franklin if he had a lesbian fantasy.  He said “Yes, that Eleanor would leave.” 

The man was not faithful.  When FDR proclaimed a “New Deal,” he was talking about Lucy Mercer. 

And don’t you laugh at an infidelity joke Dwight Eisenhower.  When Ike grips his driver it has nothing to do with golf.

Have you guys seen his chauffer? Wow!  Forget Rommel.  Kay Summersby is the dessert fox.  Every time Kay walks into the room I fight the battle of the bulge…in my pants.

And I don’t want to say Kay gets around, but during the war she finished on top of more majors than Byron Nelson.

But finally, let’s really hear it for my boss, Harry S. Truman.  The man has bravely led America through its most frightening ordeal, and by that of course, I mean his presidency.

It’s gotten so embarrassing his daughter Margaret has changed her name to Mussolini to avoid stigma.

This guy has no grasp of foreign policy.  Truman thinks the “reich” is what the Japanese say when they enjoy something.

He thinks the Master Race takes place in Daytona.

The man is an idiot.  When scientist exploded the first atomic bomb in New Mexico – Truman tried to surrender.

Speaking of surrender, I better quit now before I get fired, or worse yet, sent to Korea. Good night.

 GENERAL DOUGLAS MACARTHUR
General of the Army Douglas MacArthur was an American general and Field Marshal of the Philippines Army. He was a Chief of Staff of the United States Army during the 1930s and later played a prominent role in the Pacific theater of World War II, winning the Medal of Honor. He was designated to command the invasion of Japan in November 1945 but instead accepted their surrender on September 2, 1945.
SIR WINSTON CHURCHILL
Sir Winston Leonard Spencer-Churchill, was a British politician, soldier in the British Army, orator, and strategist, and is studied as part of the modern British and world history.

Churchill's fondness for alcoholic beverages was well-documented. While in India and South Africa, he got in the habit of adding small amounts of whisky to the water he drank in order to prevent disease. He consumed alcoholic drinks on a near-daily basis for long periods in his life, and frequently imbibed before, after, and during mealtimes.
CHARLES DE GAULLE
Charles André Joseph Marie de Gaulle in France commonly referred to as Général de Gaulle, was a French military leader and statesman.
EVA BRAUN
Eva Anna Paula Braun, died Eva Hitler, was the longtime companion of Adolf Hitler and briefly his wife.
ADOLF HITLER
Adolf Hitler was the German Chancellor (Reichskanzler) from 1933 to 1945 and Führer of Germany from 1934 until 1945. After the annexation of Austria and then parts of Czechoslovakia, Hitler triggered World War II by invading Poland, much of which was also annexed to form the Großdeutschland Reich.
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
Anna Eleanor Roosevelt was an American political leader who used her influence as First Lady of the United States from 1933 to 1945 to promote her husband's (Franklin D. Roosevelt's) New Deal, as well as civil rights.
LUCY MERCER
Lucy Mercer was hired by Franklin Roosevelt's wife, Eleanor Roosevelt, as a personal secretary in the winter of 1913. It was during this time that Mercer began a romantic relationship with Franklin D. Roosevelt.
DWIGHT EISENHOWER
Dwight David "Ike" Eisenhower was an American soldier and politician, who served as the thirty-fourth President of the United States. During WWII, he served as Supreme Commander of the Allied forces in Europe, with responsibility for planning and supervising the successful invasion of France and Germany in 1944-45.
KAY SUMMERSBY
Summersby was one of many MTC drivers assigned as chauffeurs to high ranking American military officers. Kay and Ike were extremely close, seen together in many press photographs during the War and (as evidenced by letters between the two) the woman was not well liked by Eisenhower's wife.
HARRY TRUMAN
Harry S. Truman was the thirty-third President of the United States; as Vice President, he succeeded to the office upon the death of Franklin D. Roosevelt.When he left office in 1953, Truman was one of the most unpopular chief executives in history.
 

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